Finally Back

So my computer crashed and although I enjoyed the freedom of not being online I also missed it! I am glad to be able to chat and search and fill my head with useless knowledge, instead of doing laundry, dishes or washing the floors! So much has changed and so much as stayed the same. Camden is the offical owner of 5 teeth! I can't believe how fast they are popping out. I am a bit nervous about nursing him, he's into biting and has bit his dad once and his grammy once as well. He tries to go for me to but I am too quick for him! I don't know if it just feels good to bite down on something or if there is something more and he's going to be a terror two year old who bites every kid in site. I hope its just a phase. Me and Seth have been getting along great. I have decided to stop the bickering and picking my battles and its working. We haven't been at eachother's throats and I actually MISS him when he's gone, and he said the same thing. Maybe we can rekindle and maybe there is hope. I am not ready to walk away just yet.

He brought me back down to earth on Saturday. I was obsessing about buying a house, doing my whole speech blah blah blah and he was like "Bethany how are we ever going to live on a AVX paycheck"? "We cannot buy a house right now, it's just not reality." Damn you Seth! I hate when people burst my fantasy bubble and make me realize whats real. I was holding on to my last shred of hope that SOMEDAY soon we will move out...although I am not sure how we would with one paycheck that just pays our bills. Course, we have money in the bank which I will not lie to you about, is burning a hole in my pocket. But that needs to stay in the bank! Always harder said then done. We talked about other options and his dream of one day owning a sub shop. I always knocked that dream down but now he is opening my eyes to something that I never thought possible. I have always been envious of those who have there own business, work for themselves and dont answer to anyone. What a life! Why cant that be us? Why cant that be me? Course there is wayyyyy more work then either of us can expect, but something we are talking about. A sub shop owned by the same two people who cant make a decision on what to cook for supper and now plan on make an establishment and putting our mark on the world.....imagien the possibilities. Ha. My dad supposedly wants a piece of the pie, no pun intended. We will see how this goes. All I can say that is dollar signs is not a bad idea.

Other then that, Camden is back to not sleeping and keeping mommy up all night. I have been walking and eating very good for the last week or so...except Saturday and Sunday night. Although I did walk Sunday night....still I ate 2 deserts...damn you peach cobbler.

Last night we went and had dinner at my grandparents and my grandfather has colon cancer and has been battling it for about 4 years now. I cant believe its been that long since he was diagnosed. I cant believe he is still fighting. It has come back and after countless surgeries and medications, he is still holding on. He doesn't want to let go and he is very very sick. He can barely get up, barely keep his eyes open. He is on chemo and its just making him so sick. My heart just goes out to him and makes me so sad to imagien going up there (they live 2 minutes away) and not having him there. When I was a kid we were always there, always doing something and although my memories are of him with a Miller Lite in his hand, he was still my grandpa. Always saying something witty. Either gardening or out in his field...and most def. always on his tractor. Its heartbreaking. Back in the spring of 04 he got diagnosed after being sick for years and not saying anything. He fought it but it came back and we were shocked to see him recover from the first time. He sobbered up and stopped smoking and was doing every day things again. I am so grateful for that time that he got to spend with his family and doing what he loved, farming. I am soooo glad that my grandmother got that extra time with her sober husband who's attuide totally changed. And I am so grateful that my little cousins got to see him too as I remembered him. Thats how I want to remember him and it breaks my heart to think that my son wont have his great grampy....maybe he will pull out of this. He doesn't seem as though he wants to let go. He wants his life back, but I am not so sure. I want to prepare my self for the worst so that when the result is the best I am shocked, not dissapointed. I will miss him so much. And going to there house just will never be the same. His fanel shirts, his black square rimmed glasses...his farmer's almanac.....why do people have to leave us in such an awful sisuation??? I am crying now and cant beleive that I let go of the denial and the false bit of hope that cancer has taken over. I dont want to be negative. I want to remain positive, he's so strong and can fight but its been years and he's fought before and won, when does luck run out? And if his life should be doctor's appt. shots and puking every day then I know he doesn't want that life, he wants his old life. I believe in heaven and that it has a special place for special people and he's going to that special place. Where he can be drive his tractor and be with his sister who sadly lost her life to breast cancer. I hate cancer. I really do. Well, this just made me so sad. I am going to do something to cheer my self up. Take care!