Finally Back

So my computer crashed and although I enjoyed the freedom of not being online I also missed it! I am glad to be able to chat and search and fill my head with useless knowledge, instead of doing laundry, dishes or washing the floors! So much has changed and so much as stayed the same. Camden is the offical owner of 5 teeth! I can't believe how fast they are popping out. I am a bit nervous about nursing him, he's into biting and has bit his dad once and his grammy once as well. He tries to go for me to but I am too quick for him! I don't know if it just feels good to bite down on something or if there is something more and he's going to be a terror two year old who bites every kid in site. I hope its just a phase. Me and Seth have been getting along great. I have decided to stop the bickering and picking my battles and its working. We haven't been at eachother's throats and I actually MISS him when he's gone, and he said the same thing. Maybe we can rekindle and maybe there is hope. I am not ready to walk away just yet.

He brought me back down to earth on Saturday. I was obsessing about buying a house, doing my whole speech blah blah blah and he was like "Bethany how are we ever going to live on a AVX paycheck"? "We cannot buy a house right now, it's just not reality." Damn you Seth! I hate when people burst my fantasy bubble and make me realize whats real. I was holding on to my last shred of hope that SOMEDAY soon we will move out...although I am not sure how we would with one paycheck that just pays our bills. Course, we have money in the bank which I will not lie to you about, is burning a hole in my pocket. But that needs to stay in the bank! Always harder said then done. We talked about other options and his dream of one day owning a sub shop. I always knocked that dream down but now he is opening my eyes to something that I never thought possible. I have always been envious of those who have there own business, work for themselves and dont answer to anyone. What a life! Why cant that be us? Why cant that be me? Course there is wayyyyy more work then either of us can expect, but something we are talking about. A sub shop owned by the same two people who cant make a decision on what to cook for supper and now plan on make an establishment and putting our mark on the world.....imagien the possibilities. Ha. My dad supposedly wants a piece of the pie, no pun intended. We will see how this goes. All I can say that is dollar signs is not a bad idea.

Other then that, Camden is back to not sleeping and keeping mommy up all night. I have been walking and eating very good for the last week or so...except Saturday and Sunday night. Although I did walk Sunday night....still I ate 2 deserts...damn you peach cobbler.

Last night we went and had dinner at my grandparents and my grandfather has colon cancer and has been battling it for about 4 years now. I cant believe its been that long since he was diagnosed. I cant believe he is still fighting. It has come back and after countless surgeries and medications, he is still holding on. He doesn't want to let go and he is very very sick. He can barely get up, barely keep his eyes open. He is on chemo and its just making him so sick. My heart just goes out to him and makes me so sad to imagien going up there (they live 2 minutes away) and not having him there. When I was a kid we were always there, always doing something and although my memories are of him with a Miller Lite in his hand, he was still my grandpa. Always saying something witty. Either gardening or out in his field...and most def. always on his tractor. Its heartbreaking. Back in the spring of 04 he got diagnosed after being sick for years and not saying anything. He fought it but it came back and we were shocked to see him recover from the first time. He sobbered up and stopped smoking and was doing every day things again. I am so grateful for that time that he got to spend with his family and doing what he loved, farming. I am soooo glad that my grandmother got that extra time with her sober husband who's attuide totally changed. And I am so grateful that my little cousins got to see him too as I remembered him. Thats how I want to remember him and it breaks my heart to think that my son wont have his great grampy....maybe he will pull out of this. He doesn't seem as though he wants to let go. He wants his life back, but I am not so sure. I want to prepare my self for the worst so that when the result is the best I am shocked, not dissapointed. I will miss him so much. And going to there house just will never be the same. His fanel shirts, his black square rimmed glasses...his farmer's almanac.....why do people have to leave us in such an awful sisuation??? I am crying now and cant beleive that I let go of the denial and the false bit of hope that cancer has taken over. I dont want to be negative. I want to remain positive, he's so strong and can fight but its been years and he's fought before and won, when does luck run out? And if his life should be doctor's appt. shots and puking every day then I know he doesn't want that life, he wants his old life. I believe in heaven and that it has a special place for special people and he's going to that special place. Where he can be drive his tractor and be with his sister who sadly lost her life to breast cancer. I hate cancer. I really do. Well, this just made me so sad. I am going to do something to cheer my self up. Take care!

Everywhere I look around...

Spring is here! The weather is just beautiful. Me and Camden spent almost the entire day outside these last two days. Just soaking it all up! He LOVES the outdoors. If I lay a blanket on the porch, he will roll around and stare up at the sky and talk. He's the cutest little thing. And he has a little car that he loves to sit in and I push him around the drive-way and he just laughs. He also likes to go and visit with the horses and touch there noses. I have to get some pictures of that, its too cute!

Yesterday for the first time Cam put himself to sleep in his crib. I moved the crib right next to my bed so that he can see me and I just laid there next to him and before I knew it, he was fast asleep. It was short-lived though because the phone rang and woke him up, but still....a break through. It was very exciting. And yesterday I woke up gave seth a ride to work and then came home and the baby had woken up so we read books and played for a bit and he was ready to go back to sleep at around 7, well I nursed him and we both fell asleep until 10! It was amazing. Needless to say I got a good nap in. Of course when I woke up all I could think was everything I could have gotten done in those 3 hours..but ohh well. I haven't slept in months, I'm allowed one itty bitty nap right?

Last night Seth had his 2 round at the comedy connection and unfortunetly he didn't do as well as the first round. He suffered from attack of stage fright and forget his lines and everything. He didn't totally bomb, he just did the stuff from the first round, but he def. panicked. the look on his face made my heart just melt. He looked so nervous and scared...but believe you me he still rocked it! He juts didn't do what he had intended on doing. Ohh well. Everyone flops at one point or another, it always happens at some point in anyone's career. Look at Britney Spears!! He's amazing though, I know that he will just grow from this and perfect his performances just that much better. He was embarassed because there were agents in the crowd and reporters....but I told him this wasn't supposed to be for a reason! I'll have to think of something to make him feel better, he's really beating himself up over it. When I came home from the comedy connection, Camden was asleep so I brought him to bed with me and he laid with me for like 45 minutes until seth came home and i put him in his crib. I have no idea how long he slept in his crib because when I woke up at like 5 he was in bed with me. Apprently he cried, i got up and got him and nursed him back to sleep in my sleep. My mom says she remembers waking up and we were in bed with her, I guess mom's just do it second nature after a while. I feel rested though:) He's an amazing kid. My favorite look in the world is when he's like determined to get something or is really focusing on something...its the most precious look in the world! Of course my favorite sound is his laugh!!! But right now all I'm hearing is his cries! Lunch time!! Go out and enjoy the sunshine...!!

much love!

Well Rested..

Yesterday was a busy day. In the afternoon I had a dr.'s appt. to switch my birthcontrol. So now I am going to have Mirena, which is an IUD that is put in and left for 5 years to protect pregnancy. You just have in put in and forget about it. Thank god, because I'm not rememebering to take my pills what so ever and I def. don't want a another little one running around. So I have to go next week because i had to register my car and didn't want to miss city hall. So it was a bit of a waste but I got a pamphlet and got to pay my balance at the dr's. Then I went to city hall and registered my car. 113 dollars! Crazy. Its been one week since my car has been at the shop, it should be done soon!! I cant wait to drive it around again. I miss it :( After dinner me and my mom went tanning, which felt sooooo good. I really want to get back into my own. I haven't been putting on makeup or tanning or doing my hair, all things that I used to do religiously. SO I am going to start taking care of my self again because it honestly depresses me. I need that for my self. I am calling to get my hair high lighted and going tanning and making a point to walk more. And eat better. There is no way in hell I am getting in a bathing suit looking like I do right now, and its been 6 months..I need to lose this gross baby weight. I want to wear my old summer clothes and a bathing suit. I dont want to wear a snow suit on the beach, which is what I would have to do now.

Its hard though, to think about losing this weight because i HAVE to eat. I cant just skip meals. I mean i can, but breastmilk is only as good as you eat, so if I eat crap, my baby is getting crap milk. I need to change my eating habits and only eat good food. None of this trans fat and less carbs. Always easier said then done. Although I have been cutting out the snacks, and my pants seem a bit loser. SO that's exciting. Its just at 4 months I fit into some old pants and now at 6 months i still just fit into them. Shouldn't they be way looser? Not fair, these moms that lose tons of weight right after giving birth. Hopefully after I go off BC I'll become thinner. But honestly, no more junk, only good stuff from now on! I am determined.

The baby slept soooo good last night. I put him in his crib at around 9:20 and he slept until 10 which left time for me and seth to be together and cuddle and makeout whatever..the works. It was nice. I forgot how much fun making out can be. We always used to and it was just like whatever..same old, but now its like we are back being teenagers sneaking around after school. Ha. the good ol' days. God, I hope I never have a girl and if I do I'm locking her ass up. i was a bad kid and I know what teenagers are capible of and what lies they can make anyone believe. Hopefully today will be fun and productive. My friend from texas is home! With her 3 week old son, I can't wait to meet him and see Sam again, its been like 3 months. A long time. She wants to visit today, we'll see what happens. I want to tan again today and go grocery shopping. And walk..and that all that jazz. Well I have some homework to do while the baby still sleeps!!

Have a wonderful HUMP day.
ohh and go makeout with your lovah. It brings the jollies back <3

It's That Time!

So I guess its time to start baby proofing. My child is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Either its in his walker or him dragging/rolling himself across the floor. Nowadays when I lay him on the floor and bombard him with his toys, he screams. And when i put him in his walker to maybe possibly make some breakfast or pee, he screams. Right now he is inching his way to me and fussing the whole time. I am getting so much advice from moms saying "Let them cry it out", "they have to learn to self soothe", "don't co-sleep, put them in another room" and my favorite..."give him formula to help him sleep"....I AM GOING TO LOOSE MY MIND! ...Well actually I don't think that I can loose something that has been gone for a while now. I'm not sure what mom actually let's there poor helpless 6 month old it out, but its heartbreaking for me. I'm not sure what mom would want to fully wake up and truck across the room to get there screaming 6 month old about a hundred times a night and what mom would want to spoil his special mommy baby bonding time and take away his nursing time, not to mention fighting with him to take a bottle and give him anything but his beloved "num nums". Cam nurses for comfort, for love, for bonding, attention and lastly for food. I nurse him 24/7. When I'm not holding him he cries and sometimes even when I hold him he cries. Sometimes when I nurse him, he will stop and make sure that I am watching him or he won't eat, and talking is totally out of the question. He's a very demanding little boy to say the least! I love him though and he's worth it all. I just wish people would keep there ideas to themselves, it's always easier said then done and I am sure they didn't do every bit of advice they dish out. What I want to know is who are these mothers with a spotless house, a rested child, fixed hair, make-up and a healthy marriage? How do they do it? I'm struggling to keep up with hte house work, Cam is not on a schedule hence he's tired, my hair is a mess, make up is forgien and I struggle to spend ANY time with my husband. Maybe I just need to prioritize my life.

Me and Seth have been talking a lot about buying our own house. There are so many programs out there for people in our sisuation and luckily we have a supportive family and are willing to help us in this process. I am so ready to be with my family and not have people interupting with my life.
Sunday night seth had a show at a bar and so he left here at around 8:45 pm and no sooner had he left the house, my dad comes storming in and was like where's seth going? he has a show? this late? where is it? what is he doing?! I was so mad. The baby had JUST fallen asleep and he just about woke the baby up. Not to mention stepping in my bedroom, my personal space and my bubble. I am so tired of having them in every bit of our business. Then monday morning he like cornered me and questioned me about his job and our relationship and turns out he was eves-dropping on us the night before and our converstation. We had a talk and he heard everything. So now we cant even talk in the privacy of our own bedroom. We pay rent, we but the groceries and I clean, do dishes, laundry and sometimes even cook. Its not like we are free-loaders. We deserve some privacy. I just need to get out of here. They are parents and I'm at the end of my rope, I can't imagien how Seth feels, he isn't related to them and he has to deal with them. I just want my family and my house they way I want it. I know that Camden is going to be disiplined by my dad and honestly I don't think that I want it that way. Or his way. I just can't hear how to raise Camden anymore. It bothers me so much I think because he was NEVER there when we were kids so how does he know? He was either working or out partying. So he just needs to stay out of it. And my mom makes it seem like my dad was a total catch when they first met. Which bothers me so much too. He was a drunk and pot head and never home, so when seth does something she like attacks me with how awful he is. But when I remind her of my dad she just defends him. Like last night we made hamburgers and my dads wasn't totally cooked, he FLIPPED OUT. Instead of being like well this one is a little pink I'll put it back he like snapped. Instead of being like, well thank you for making me dinner on top of everything else you guys do...he refused to eat threw the burger back in the pan and stormed out. Then my mom blamed it on me and never defended herself. Maybe that's why when me and seth fight I defend myself so fiercely. So that there is never room to question if I am strong enough to stand up for myself. When seth says something out of line I defend myself and make sure he knows it. If he would have bitched about an uncooked hamburger...which by the way was just a tad-bit pink, I would have yelled at him said something I would regret and probably threw it at him...So not cool. My mom just takes it though and doesn't say a word. Maybe that's why they have been married for 84 thousand years. Who knows. I do know that I would not take that attuide. And I have attempted to cook for seth, one time serving him raw chicken..and he reacted calmly and just put in back in the oven to continue cooking. Its the thought that counts. God, I have to do get out of this house. Its like all negative nancy and I'm becoming a negative nancy too. Seth says that the attuide in this house brings him down and its true. I just dont want to have to walk around on egg-shells ne more!!!!! I am cleaning houses this summer to make money and seth is working...so hopefully next year we will be in a position to buy. I am crossing my fingers and counting the days.

Glider!

So last night my cousin turned 9!! I went over and the baby started to get a bit fussy, so I rocked him in there glider and in 2 minutes flat..he fell asleep! IT WAS A MIRACLE!! So today, I am going to buy one. I don't care how much they cost I'm sick of trying to get him to fall alseep for like an hour or so...this is what I need. I need a break from a screaming fussy exhausted baby. If this works then yayy! If not then check it off the list. It's worth a shot. Does this sound like a desperate exhausted mother who hasn't slept in 6 months? Because if it does then I have hit the nail on the head! I am soooo freakn tired. But enough about me and my sleep deprivation. Eventually I'll get to sleep again RIGHT?! Ohh and did I mention that he sick? Because he is soo sick. Sneezing and coughing and has a runny nose and is constipated. And FUSSY!!! Last night seth had comedy and someone had locked the door so when he came home he had to knock and I honestly don't remeber letting him in or going back to bed or anything like that. It's getting to the point where I am like in a fog. I honestly feel like my life is passing me by, like I am having an outer body experience. If I could just SLEEP things would be eaiser. Why not get a baby sitter you ask? I mean I do live with my parents, Im sure that my mom would take him for a bit....well she is going for her masters, working 40 hours and yeah...when I am not in his view he screams. Soo needless to say I need to be RIGHT there holding him. Why don't I sleep when he sleeps you ask? He needs to be rocked to sleep and then I have to hold him, and sitting up sleeping is not comfortable for me and sleeping for only 30 minutes at a whack is not good enough either. Something needs to change, we are both sleep deprived. At night he will lay next to me and nurse and drift off, but during the day he wont. I hope this glider is MAGIC and can make my restless baby sleep. It did last night..it a strange house with people including myself talking. The kid wont even nurse in public, and he just drifted off.....cross your fingers for me please. Its been a long 6 months....

Sick As A Dog

So my last few days have been spent coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose....and getting some rest whenever I can. I have been so sick! I forgot what its like to be sick with a cold, its been at least a year..if not over. When I was pregnant my body was too busy rejecting anything that I put in my mouth it didn't have the chance to catch a cold. The baby is starting to get sick which just breaks my heart, its his first time. Last night was horrible. I was exhausted and the baby just screamed. I had to hold him in order to get any shut eye, and even then he was waking up about every hour or so. And his scream just broke my heart, he sounded so horrible. Then I had to get up at 4:30 to bring Seth to work for 5. Yahh!! So I'm running on an empty tank today. When I got home we slept for about 45 minutes but my brother came home from work and him and dad had to talk, and thus waking us up. People in this house have no respect for those who enjoy there sleep. Whatever, I'm sure the baby will go back to bed soon! I hope anyways!!

Last ngiht I was talking to seth about how I wish someone in the family had a business so I could work but work around the baby's schedule. Its kind of hard to commit to something when you have a little guy who decides the day. He reminded me that his aunt has a cleaning business and that I could probably go to work with her and get paid pretty decent money. Especially in the summer because my mom could have the baby in the mornings! What a good idea Seth! I am hoping that she use my help, and just clean for about 4 hours int he morning. Then we can put away anything I make to help save. We some money saved, which is nice but its burning a hole in my pocket just knowing that its there. I need to stay away from the bank account! Easier said then done. My brother and his fiance were supposed to go look at a house tonight bu its under contract..so they cant. It got me thinking that I really REALLY want to get the ball rolling on getting a place of our own. Seth has this new job and is getting a promotion in 2 months (FINGERS CROSSED) so he'll be making good money and I want to start cleaning houses...so I feel like its all moving in the right direction. My parents gave us land as I mentioned before, I just dont know if its buildable land. I have been warned by lots of different people that its harder then hell to get a building permit in this area....and if one piece of the land is buildable it may not be where i want it to be. I want to build in the front of the field just because we will have to pay for the road....expensive and then telephone polls, which are 500 a piece. That's crazy! So I am keeping my fingers crossed, and also keeping my eyes open. If there is something with land in our price range and it just seems right we may just have to jump on it. Right now building a brand new house is a dream, but I want it to become a reality. I am just keeping our options open and we'll see what happens. Right now I am just happy that things are getting going! My mom says that she's not ready for us to move out yet! And honestly I want to move out but at the same time I def. enjoy having her here all the time to help me with the baby. Although he is getting easier. I am learning though from this cold, that it doesn't matter what I feel or what I want...it's all about Camden! Which is fine, its just a shock to the system when you wnat to sleep it off and there's a little guy saying NO WAY MOM!

Yesterday when Seth came home from work we were layign the bed with the baby and he was talking to Cam and telling him to say Da Da and Cam said it! Or mumbled something that sounded like Da Da!! He's getting soooo big! I cant believe it! It seems like just yesterday I was mopping around the house complaining about my swelling belly and how miserable I was....ohh and bargaining with my unborn child that if he came out RIGHT NOW he could have anything he wanted....a nice car at 16, the best birthday parties..even have girls sleep over! ha, nothing worked. But now here he is....almost crawling, talking, eating baby foods....smiling and laughing and being a little individual. Its crazy, everyone told me how fast it goes, I just never thought it would for me. Geeeez was I wrong. Well I must get going, my sick baby boy needs his momma for some hugs and cuddles!!

Love Is In The Air

So the baby has slept 3 good nights in row! Last night he fell asleep at 9:30 and didn't wake up until 2:22! It was amazing. Then he slept in until 7:45 p.m. It was so nice. I really need to start baby proofing my house because Cam has figured out ot get around in his walker and is into EVERYTHING. He is the cutest thing. Its weird because he's barely in his walker, I want him to learn to crawl, such an important step for babies, so most of the time he's on a blanket rolling around on the floor. These are the only 2 times I get a break when i am home along with him, other then he wants to be held. But is realizing how awesome it is to get where he wants to go. I am amazed at how fast he has figured everything out so far. He only knows the "eat" sign and signs it ot me all the time, but I'm pretty sure sooner then later he'll be signing more. He's such a quick learner. He must get the brains from his dads because I'm not that intelligent! haa.
Yesterday I played a mean april fool's joke on seth. He worked over time and was exhausted when he finally walked through the door. He has been riding his bike to work and back because the dr. recommended he lose weight and he knows he wont work out so riding his bike to work is the only physical activity he gets. So needless to say, after working for 11 hours, biking for 80 minutes total, he was tired. While he was eating supper I sat down and said that there was something we had to talk about but to do it tommorrow because he wouldn't believe me today because it was april's fools. He made me promise it was really important, so I did. Then he beleived me and was like you better tell me right now! So I told him I went to the dr.'s today and was having another baby. Once I said that he didn't beleive me ne more. I even wrote a dr.'s appt. in 4 weeks on the calender, but even that didn't work. I was a little dissapointed, but that's an obv. sisuation that couldn't happen at the moment. We have been getting along so well. I am so happy for us. Saturday is our 5 year anniversary, we decided to celebrate our wedding date and our 4-5-03 because that's such a special date for us. I can't believe how long it has been. I'm sure that we will go out to eat and maybe my mom will keep the babay a little longer. I am excited to go out the 2 of us and enjoy eachother's company. I don't think that we have been out, just me and him since the baby has been born. We always go with friends or family. I am so glad that I figured out what hte baby needs, or doesn't need to sleep. I feel so refreshed, the first time since I was like 5 months pregnant. Sleeping more then 4 hours is amazing.

Figuring It All Out!

I think I had a break through this morning. Since Cam was born he has been held every second. Either it's me, my husband, my mom, my dad, my brother, Nana or SOMEONE is around to hold him. Needless to say it's getting to the point that when he's crying its because he's not being held. Even to sleep he needs to be held. This is very frustrating for me because during the day I have things to do and these things could be done while he naps, so that when he's awake I can focus on mommy son time. So my days are spent, holding him while he sleeps...about an hour. Him waking up, us playing for about 2 hours, nursing him and then holding him all over again. Don't get me wrong, my son is everything to me and I adore his cute little sleeping face nuzzled into me but I have laundry, cleaning and I am taking online classes. So this morning I laid 2 quilts on the floor (I do this normally because he loves to roll around) and nursed him on the floor with a pillow in my lap and he feel asleep and then i laid the pillow on the quilts and boom! he slept for 45 minutes on his own. Usually when i lay him down he wakes up almost immediately...but today he opened one little eye and I was doing homework and in clear view and he looked at me smiled and closed his eyes. I guess as long as I am in seeing distance life is good and he feels safe enough to fall back asleep. When he's in his crib, he cant see me and panics. This was my ahh-hawww moment. Granted, it was one morning and later on today when I try the same thing it may not work. But I go 45 minutes of uninterrupted work done for school and that for me is a good day.

Last night we tried the crying it out method and my heart became broken listening to those horrible cries. Seth made me wait 5 minutes before diving to him and scooping him up in my arms and promising him to never let that happen again. Whatever, so he sleeps with me at night, its our cuddle time and if that's what he needs to get a good nights sleep ...that's what i need to do. Seth has other ideas, but for now this is what is working. Its funny how moms and dads have completely different ideas on how to get baby to sleep, or really even to raise a baby. I have this natural STRONG instinct to jump to him every time he cries or even makes a noise. I cant help myself. The last 2 nights he has slept so well. He slept at least 3 hours straight! Last night he slept 4 HOURS STRAIGHT! The only thing that has changed is that i haven't given him any cereal. Which is wierd that would be affecting his sleep because its only breastmilk and cereal...but maybe it's giving him an upset stomache. I am going to skip the cereal again tonight and see if we can pull 3 nights of awesome sleep! I used to sleep 12 to 14 hour days and now sleeping 2 straight hours seems like a nice time and 4 hours is a luxury. My oh my how things change when you become MOM.

Its no secret that me and seth have been off and on and on again for the last 6? years. Well the other night we got into it and he left hte bedroom to sleep on the couch. I followed him out, expecting to continue arguing but for once in who knows how long, we talked it out. For the first time since probably becoming pregnant we talked to eachother instead of at eachother, listened to eachother and came to an agreement and settled on it. We finally worked something out, instead of ignoring it and then facing it again when another fight came along. Or fighting about it for days and then coming to a settlement. It was amazing and we both agreed later, a turning point in our relationship. If we can survive marriage, a 5 month old screaming, not sleeping, only wanting mommy child and living with my parents ohh and did i mention pennyless..we can survive anything!!!!!!! So, hopefully we will. I beleive that we can and will. Even after all these years, and all of the BS we still manange to love eachother and miss eachother throughout the day. I love being with him and wait around all day for him to come home, even though we had a fight the night before. I have also been thinking and have changed my ways of fighting with him about everything. Some things he will never change about himself, and thats okay because i wont change some things about me either. We just have to adapt. So I am picking my battles! But, the baby is crying...like usual.. So I'm back to being Mommy. I'll write later on my thoughts on "how to save a marriage"