It's a lunar eclipse!

And Man do I feel it! Today was SUPPOSED to be GREAT day, but turned out to be one I would rather forget. I discovered just a few minutes ago that its a lunar eclipse and hence, why everything is so f'd-up. Ughhh...I woke up at 6:30 with the baby which is SOOO early and I hope not a habit! That would totally suck. So after going to bed at 1 I was up at 6:30. Blah. Then I went to get my massage which was good and relaxed me but stressed me out all at the same time. Stacey's (the massage therapist) channels and told me some things about my life, that I really was not in the mood to hear. I realize that things are not peachy right now, but dammit I don't need someone telling me about them out loud. I have enough floating around in my head to keep me occupied. thank you. Not that she didn't do her job and hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the truth hurts. Soooo that made me feel pretty shitty! I STILL recommend seeing her, honestly, she says things that she would not know otherwise and it's just a great experience. Her little massage place is purple with awesome fairies and angels..its soo amazing. She has incents and plays great music, and the massage is great. But, for whatever reason this time I felt kinda blah. My issues.

So, then I get home to a grouch who is hung-over and mad at me for bringing him the wrong kind of water (ooppss) and an over-tired fussy baby. And I was exhausted too. So that made for a shitty afternoon. Once I got the babe to sleep I laid on the couch, only to be awoken 10 minutes later to a screaming baby who refused to go back to sleep. Then I went out to eat with my parents, aunt, and my brother and sister-in-law only to hear some more of what I didn't want to hear. It just wasn't an over-all great experience. I just don't feel myself today. I feel really weird. Sad and I have anxiety. I think its lack of sleep that's doing it to me, and the move that's coming up, and the anxiety behind that. And that although I want to move out, I am mega scared. I just don't want to have to think about it or deal. And I really want to trust that its all going work out, although I have everyone and their brother telling me that me and Seth are going to fail. Like I can't raise Camden...I think that I have done a fine job thus far. I breastfeed him even though he bites me ALL the time, but don't give up because I know its best to breastfeed until he's 1. I eat right, I don't ever go out without him. I am going to school, I read to him every single day, if anything i OVER occupy him and OVER stimulate him, I spend all day playing with him and teaching him new things..I follow all the rules about what he should and shouldn't eat (except milk, I do give him cows milk!)....and still I get lectured on what I am doing wrong, what else I should be doing. Like tonight, I got sweet tea at the restaurant and wanted some sugar to put in it. So I kindly ask my father to pass me a packet of sugar and he goes "YOU AREN'T GOING TO FEED THAT TO CAMDEN ARE YOU"??, which sets off my mom who says "YOU CAN'T FEED THAT TO THE BABY"!!, who then sets off my aunt "OH MY GOD, HE'LL BE ON A SUGAR HIGH!" and I'm like "OH MY GOD I WANT IT IN MY DAMN TEA! IS THAT OKAY?" As if I would feed my 9 month old son a packet of fucking sugar. Its like that everyday...every step of the way. It's so hard to feel good about my self as a parent AND a person with these negative beings surrounding me telling what I am doing wrong, when i am not even close to doing what they think. Imagine living in that place. Stacey (the massage therapist) told me that I must get out of here for my soul. It's like breaking my spirit. And I see Seth's spirit breaking too. He has issues (don't we all), but what I am just supposed to do just stop loving him? Just forget our past, present and future? Forget that we made a baby?? Just walk away from everything. I have issues, you have issues, we all have issues. What's with the judgement??? I am trying to let go of judgement. God, don't people get that??? Don't they get that its MY life, let ME live it. Let ME make MY decisions?? I'm sure my parents didn't do everything they preach to me about. Seth is my husband, Camden is our son and I need people to see that.

I may joke a lot about him..call him a Mexican, tell him he's a crippled old man, nickname him china because his back is hurting him so I joke he's as fragile as China...but at the end of the day I am so glad that he's in my life. People I don't think, get how terrible it is living here. Emotionally speaking. It's like constant turmoil. I am forever in the middle of my parents and Seth, constantly getting it from both ends, and trying to keep the peace. Trying to be an AMAZING mother to Camden, a great wife to Seth, a good friend, a daughter and sister and niece, a good student a friendly stranger......UHHH!! If I was alone right now I Would SCREAM. I feel like my head's going to explode. I do get how Seth feels. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make everything okie dokie. Things could be worse.


Sorry if I busted your positive bubble. I had to get it out. I have no one to turn too. I can't bitch to people about themselves. That just wouldn't work. Thanks for listening!


On a lighter note..here's the beautiful angel I get greeted by every morning <3



peace~