A little dedication to my off-spring and a tiny glimpse into whats going on RIGHT NOW

Where in the world did the last 1 1/2 years of my life go? Wasn't I just a free spirit, running around, sleeping til' 3 and eating whatever I wanted? Wasn't I a carefree beach going girl? Now I have a little monster who needs my care day and night and a husband who needs clean pants every day. I sometimes wake to Cam's cries and have to remind myself that I am momma now! The one that gets me the most though is when I hear his sweet little voice say "Momma". Ohhh meeee??!! I can't get over that I have a child. A KID! Not a baby, not a helpless little angel that sleeps all day long, but a full-blown house destroying, talking kid. Someone that is a sponge, watching and mimicking everything I do and say. The other day he put 2 words together to form a sentence and I cried. ALREADY? And it was this simple, "More ish" [More Fish] I can't believe it! This little boy who laughs at the kitty walking on the couch and cries when I leave the room. A little boy who insists he be read too for hours on end and loves his tubby time. A little boy who eats all by himself with a big boy fork and spoon. A little boy who requires a bib no more and adores wearing his fathers shoes around the house. My darling boy who is addicted to chocolate. And everything he sees and wants he looks at me with those big eyes and says "More". A little boy who every time we ride in the car insists we listen to "5 Little Ducks went out one day", and is IN LOVE with vrooms vrooms. All boy I guess. But what changed, where did the time go? He used to be a little 7 pound bundle of love that snuggled me and nursed all the time. He used to fall asleep in my arms and snuggle into my body and breath so deeply and comfortably. I used to lay awake and watch him breath just to make sure he was okay. He always slept with me. I couldn't bare the horror stories of babies not making it through the night. I knew my baby would be safe by my side. And know he spins around in circles as fast as he can and then tries to walk. (So funny, btw) He dances to music and says vroom vroom to every car, truck, or van. He attempts to blow on his food to cool it off but instead spits all over his plate. He takes all of the potting soil out of my plants and puts it in the back of his john deer dump truck and drives it around the house going "vroom vroom"! If ever he is quiet you know, oh you just KNOW, he is in the kitty food dish dispensing it through out the laundry room and transferring it into the watering dish to make a big sloppy kitty food mess.
The little boy who comes to my side with his blanket and his pacifier and says more, just for a snuggle. A little boy who needs to be massaged and pampered every morning before he can fully wake up. A little boy who needs juice and cereal ready for him when he wakes up. He doesn't like waiting! A little boy who freaks out if his father and me even hug in front of him. He jumps up and runs between us looking up at us and says "More". My darling, charming, full of life boy. The boy who pooped in the tub last night. The boy who just came to my side and declared he wanted "more" chocolate from the basket at my left that is filled with Easter candy. And even after giving him 2 mini chocolate eggs that both remain in his mouth he puts up a tiny fit for more. "MOOOREEEEEEEEE" He even comes to my left side and points at the basket, as if I needed to see exactly what he wanted more of. This little boy who played in the Bisquick box while I was cooking dinner and in a matter of seconds had the entire box spilled all over the floor, himself and the walls. And then just looked at me with this "what mom"? look. My little boy who I will forever love no matter what. The boy that made me a mommy. The boy that made my dreams come true~



Moving On:
Seth loves his job. I am glad. In this job market its amazing he got it. He had to beg, borrow and steal to get it. But thankfully he got it! Only a matter of time now and we'll be celebrating in our new home. I cant wait to buy a house. It's all I ever think about. I want my son and future kids to grow up in a home that makes memories. Somewhere that is home. I always lived in my parents house so it IS home to me. I want that for my kids. We also want to try for another bibay this summer. Time for Cam to have a little brother or (hopefully) sister! But only if we are in full house searching mode. No apartment with 2 kids. Even though my apartment is huge and spacious. I just want to own! Other then that I am finishing up school, writing more then ever and enjoying life today more then yesterday. Seth and I have have a new outlook on life. Just be happy. SO hard to live by though. Its easy to get stressed or angry and take it out on each other. No more though. No more worries. I can only hope that the snow is done falling! I need SPRING!

thanks for reading,
Bethany

A Brand New Day

Last night at class my teacher was falling asleep mid-sentence. His eyes would roll back in his head and his words would become all mumbled together. He is like a medical mystery so his dose of painkillers that he takes everyday would kill a normal person but he functions on 3800 mg of oxy's. They changed his meds and the effects are not being able to function. I couldn't even look at him- I just burst out laughing at every nod. It was so funny. It was like we were being secretly tapped and someone was going to jump out of the woodworks with a camera and say "your on candid camera" or some other foolish t.v. show. But no no, this is my everyday real life. Even my teacher can't function right. I think someone is trying to send me a message?

I took a leave of absence at work to focus on finishing school. With my grandpapa dying I needed a reality check. It was too hard for me to juggle everything. Seth is out on the job market looking for something but, really there is nothing. Its definately an employers market, and with no trade skills, its pretty hard to get an employer to look at your resume. We did our taxes and will live off those until I finish my schooling and get a job. I am excited. For the first time since signing up for CMA I am really excited about getting out there. Camden is older now, and can handle daycare a few times a week. My mom can watch him in the summer and on school vacations, so that'll help. Cam needs the socialization. He doesn't know how to play with other kids. When I take him out where there are other children he plays by himself or just watches the other kids. Its like he's afriad to jump in and get friendly. So, I think that he needs other kids to play with. I swore on everything that my child would never ever go to daycare. Not in one million years. Over my dead body. But, now that he's older and I've had 1+ years with my darling boy, I think he would enjoy the activies and fun that comes with being with other kids all day. Plus, the reality is that we both have to work. So what other options are there? I have talked to other moms who do the daycare scene and they told me that there kids love it. And I thought about it. It does sound like fun. A bestfriend. Crafts. Story time. Painting. Fieldtrips. Songs. Big Books. Puppet shows. hmmmm.....sounds like a great day to me. we'll see. Even as I write, I have mega anxiety.

anyway,

its friday. i don't have no job...... i don't have no money............
looks like cleaning and laundry and vroom vrooms for me.
well, thats if my monster mash gets up. Its 10:05 in the a.m. and the little bugger is still sleeping. ahhh life is good<3

Back Again

So, I have to decided to jump back into blogging. Why you ask? Oh, because there are so many interesting stories that I just have to share. Plus, I like to remember things. And, unless they are written down I can't.

There have been many moments in the last 2 years that have made me feel like a mom. The first time I ever saw camden at 9 weeks on the ultrasound and he looked like a Mexican jumping bean. The first time I ever felt him kick. The first time I saw his beautiful angelic face. Waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed him for the first 12 months of his life. Begging and pleading for him to go back to sleep. Chasing his around the house, crying like a baby at all of his milestones and when he refused to breastfed from me. (Still makes me tear up) Cleaning up all his messes. Changing toddler poopy diapers. Even when I licked my fingers and proceeded to wipe the crust of his face while we were out in public and my charming husband stopped me and said "don't be that mom". But none of those things made me feel more like a mother then this morning. We were eating a chicken salad roll-up and Cam, being a charming kid just like his dad, put it all in his mouth. It was too much for him to chew, and being a mother I knew this so I held out my hand and said "spit it out in my hand". And he did. This glob of chewed up roll up, chicken salad and spit all in my hand. Did I freak out by the slimy feeling that in my hand? Oh no, it wasn't until I reached the trash can and disposed of this mess did I realize what I had just done, without even thinking about it. Before I had Camden, if a 15 month old kid walked up to gagging and wanted to spit it out in my hand I would have freaked. All I could think is, I am a mom. Its happened.

I don't think that's it really hit Seth and I until just recently. He is now a walking, talking, pooping machine. He's like a little man. Imitating everything we do and say. ((Note to self:Watch what I say and do)) Its no joke that we are characters Camden's parents, but we need to watch it so that he doesn't do it at inappropriate time. Jeez its hard to be a mom!!

Last week my grandfather passed away. He battled with cancer for 5 years and finally gave up. I wasn't going to see him in the hospital. I was holding on to the image of him in my head as he was before this awful disease invaded. However, on Monday the 19Th of January after he had already been in the hospital for 3 days something inside of me pushed me out of bed, to get dressed and to drive to the hospital. I had to be there. It was as if there was some magnetic pull dragging me there. I finally walked into his room and saw him. It was so sad. My family tried to be strong. Well, they were really strong, stronger then me but no body's a robot. I couldn't bear to talk to him. It would just swell my eyes with tears. He was just laying there so helpless. This man that worked his whole life, supported his family for years and years was just laying there completely helpless. No family should have to experience the affects of such a tragedy. Cancer is an awful thing. My grandmother, who by the way, should be sainted for taking care of him the way she did, is so strong. Her days will be lonelier and she'll have less to do. There will be no one else to cook 3 meals a day for, or do their laundry or clean up there messes. And puts on his smile and obsesses about her hearing aid and wonders if people can hear it ringing. For me, I would be like finally! A minute to my damn self. But I know facing the rest of your life like that must be so hard. I admire her. She's amazing. And have I told her this? A hundred times. I love you Grammy!

Today I have a wic appt. at 11:30 and then I am going to have my mole removed on my arm. I am a bit sad, the last 20 years I have done everything to hide this ugly spot and now it'll be gone. I hope it doesn't hurt!

Hope you enjoy me back:D